So, I know I have deserted my poor little blog here for sometime, I am so sorry. I am back I promise and I am here to say that because I have to change and why do I have to??? Well, not only for myself do I have to change and make life a much better place but also for my girls because they deserve their mommy back and a better mommy than ever before. I am only 34 for Christ sake and I need to start living again. I need to quit thinking about my pains even tho I struggle every day but I need to just fight again like I used to...So I've come up with a game plan...wooohooo...can you tell I've given this a'lot of thought and I'm back kicking and screaming because if I don't I am gonna loose the important people around me and then what or why am I really fighting for except for myself which, yes is a good reason but its not good enough or I should say its still not a good enough of a reason to fight as hard for. I have spent the last 12 years fighting a really tough battle to keep my head above water and showing everyone that despite the odds and let me tell ya there were a ton of odds at times against me. Yet when the cards were stacked against me and no one was there to fight with me or for me, it was my daughter who stood beside me and fought just as hard to move forward and guess what folks we are here today to say "Screw you to everyone that talked bad or laughed at us, cause we don't need anyone who doesn't believe in the real us."
These are the things I have come up with
- I also realized and it took awhile that there are people still who listen to others and think the worst of me and just want to talk smack of me and to you screw you, cause if you don't want to take the time to get to know me or at least ask me then you don't need to know me.
- If you are going to vent about me to others, don't bother because your just spreading gossip, and I don't need gossipers in my life regardless who you are!!
- If you love me, just love me. That's all I ask.
- Love me for me regardless of my past, my past is my past not yours!!
- If you have a problem with me or something in my life, talk to me or ask me not someone else!! If I don't want to tell you its up to me to do so either you like it or not.
- I am not an alcoholic, druggie or pill popper (I'm lucky if I remember to take my PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION when I'm suppose too). If you have a problem with what medications I am on, its your problem not mine.
- Unless you have lived a day in my shoes, walked a step in my shoes, I am going to ask nicely, not because I have to but because I want too, DON'T judge me please....just be my friend.
- I don't know your pain and you don't know my pain so don't humor me or say you understand because you don't have any clue as to the amount a pain I go through on a daily basis, so with that said it leads me to next.......
- I will say it again, I have medication I take on a daily basis for my pain (BTW, that I have lived with for 12 years) regardless of what it is, so don't judge me one bit. Just live your own life, and accept me. If you cant leave me be and live your own life.
- Yes, I have a past. It is MY past not yours, I have accepted, acknowledged my wrongs and paid my dues, what should it matter to you. If if doesn't affect your daily life....ignore it and just live your life.....
- Whomever I choose to have in my life at whatever time and period is my choice, not yours. Regardless of has happened in the past is not any of your business and should never be yours. I don't worry about yours don't worry about mine.
- Lastly, don't pass judgement off on me unless you want me to do it to you!! It seems so easy for some to do so but let me tell your time is about due if you continue so word to wise, if you think your slate is clean of all judgement and your an angel, you have another thing coming.
- They say those who live in glass house shouldn't throw rocks.....well...some love to throw huge boulders....just saying....
With that all being said, I'm sure as I become more clear and level headed, I'm gonna add to that list, and its for my own benefit I need to clear my head to let all my frustrations out so that I can better myself with my many sicknesses. Well, that's why my therapist tells me. I'm also told to write letters with my thoughts and what has been bothering me to people with the hopes that one day mailing them. I'm not sure if I am at that stage because I'm sure there are a few that might hurt some relationships but I know I need to write them just because feelings having been bottled up for a long time.
Now, I'm sure there are a lot of you, that's if you read this blog and see this post, that don't think or believe I go through daily struggle's with pain and my back. I'm sure there are a lot of you out there that because of our wonderful world of Facebook see pictures and what not....I'm gonna tell ya first and foremost, and set the book straight (or however you say it)...lol...Just because I post pictures or I have taken a trip here or there doesn't mean squat!!!!...My life quite frankly sucks on daily basis, on the level of pain. The reason I post pictures and took a trip here or there is for either my kids benefit or for my sanity....After a person has two FAILED back surgeries, develops several other conditions because I couldn't find a doctor soon enough to fix my back, I don't sleep much due to pain, cant do regular household chores like I used...so on and so forth..Or quite frankly Live a normal life....Don't you think I might deal with the pain once or twice in awhile to make my kids happy....I am so sick of hearing people say that she doesn't seem like there's anything wrong with here cause shes doing this or that. Better yet, how about finding a doctor that will help you but you cant because of the medication you have to take but you still live in pain daily PAIN PILLS STILL AREN'T STRONG ENOUGH. NOT BECAUSE YOUR ADDICTED TO THEM BUT BECAUSE YOUR PAIN TOLERANCES IS SO FREAK-EN HIGH......Yet people call you a pill popper and doctors look at you as a addict....I don't have to but I will...I'm not an addict and I know this because.....when I got pregnant with who is a year now, I was on Oxycontin 2 times a day and percocet I could if needed 4 times a day, tho I didn't take the perc's 4 times a day, I quit taking the oxy's and perc's cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant. No side affects after taking them over a year. Now I would say normally for anyone that is addicted to them would die, but I'm lucky enough not to be addicted to either of them. The problem I have is the intense pain without them because of the back surgeries not working. Though when I was pregnant I did take a percocet daily because it was worse on the baby if you are in so much pain, too hard on the baby... (you can google it if you don't believe me) Besides that, I'm to the point now, if you want to call me a pill popper without knowing me or talk about me to others like people do, then go ahead if it makes you feel better because I just done with you and I don't need you in my life. I'm 34 and all I want are people that are going to understand what I go through a daily basis and support me because its difficult for right now and if you cant understand and your going to judge me than just walk away and do it now rather than later...
Okay....well, with all that said...woooshhh...I feel a little better...my own form of therapy...hehehe....well, it might seem harsh to some but it needed to be said and well there ya go folks its done, out in the open for the world to read and I'm not ashamed...I've spent too much of my life being ashamed for the choices or decisions I've made and I just cant do it anymore...New chapter in my life...Peace and harmony.....
~~Me~~Im beginning to get find my muchness again!!!