So, I know I have rather been busy and deserted my blogging duties once agian but I have a plan...Yes me...I have a plan...lol...My first things in the morning after J goes to school and before D wakes up is get on here and blog my thoughts....Sounds good...Thats if I can stick to it...

So I was googleing (if that how you spell it)...lol..but anyways..I did this one and my other blog and I found that this blog and my other one is ranked top single mother blogs....wooohooo...Yay for me...Im rather stoked...but anyways...I hope people are reading and enjoying my ramblings but I wished if people are reading them, they might comment here and there just to let me know what they think....If they wish..

But, My plan is to do my own thing first thing in the morning from now on...you know after J leaves for school, shower, hair, makeup...Girlie stuff....To make myself feel good again...That way Im ready for whatever comes my way or if anyone stops by I dont look like an udder mess...lol...

But, Ive also decided to blog first thing in the morning, get my homework done, and then whatever errand need to get done can get done later in the day...lol..and then post later in the evening and this way its a recap of the day..So ya'll can here my for lack of a better word....any bitching of people that irritate me during the day...I was told by my doctor yesterday that "Normal people dont get irritated on a regular basis"??? Really??? Are you fricken kidding me???? So people that work, have kids, go to school or just have regular lifes and have bills dont get irritated??? Sounds fishy to me....I told him hes fricken out of his mind...lol...I guess I must really be nuts for thinking that...lol...

So Im off to do a bunch of errands, such as take the car to the vw dealership and get a rental car...and then I get to see my surgeon for xrays and to find out if my upper back and neck are screwed up and to find out why my L5-S1 vertebrae fused itself!! Have to get blood work done and also to find out about my carpal tunnel surgery and when or if Im gonna have that done...Yay me...I swear it never ends with me...

Well, until later
Later taterz,
Me.....

So, It seems like my days go every other day and I have a productive day. I dont know anymore but on the plus side I do feel good today but my back is a wreck and has been for the last week or so. It feels like I am carrying a sack of flour.

Went to a great meeting yesterday and met some great people. People that understand what I am going thru. Even tho my family understands, its still hard to really to completely understand what I go thru on a daily basis. So it was great to meet other people who do.

I made dinner the other night and it was AWESOME.....Messy to make but it was worth it in the end.

Today I accomplished the rest of my homework for the week...wooohooo!!!! So Im gonna get a head start on next week DQ's...Im totally proud of myself..

I reorganized my room and put a table in there so I can do my homework or paperwork or just writing in there when I need too!!! Away from people when I cant sleep...

Cleaned the kids room...man o man was it a mess...clothes, junk, garbage...and even food I found..What a mess!!!! I guess I have to remember when I was a kid...Minus the food part...I was cluttered when I was a kid...lolol...yep thats the word...

Then last night when i got home from my meeting...for starters the microwave went out...thought it was a fuse...so today went down to check it out...Nope not a fuse...2 freaken outlets...actually 4 outlets Dont work...so I have a cord across so I can use my microwave...

Its definately time to move...I need to move...I want to move....Lord help me and find me a nicer place....I can afford one...lolol

Well, dinner time...
Later taterz,
Me....

I feel great....Its been awhile!!!!

I feel great....I wish everyday could be like today...I am not sure what has gotten into me today but since 8 am this morning I have been going strong and I have accomplished so much today and it feels great. I am so proud of myself that I even made for the first time, Chicken and dumplings and it was absolutely amazing....YAY!!!! lol...I know tooting my own horn...hehe...

Well, lets see what have I done today....

• Took the chicken out of the slow cooker and put it off to the side.
• Feed and had daelynn out and about at 8 am.
• Did the dishes and straightened up the kitchen.
• Jumped on and checked my school stuff.
• Made breakfast and ate (obviously).
• Made daelynn her usual oatmeal at 10:30 am.
• Jumped in the shower at 11 am.
• Got ready for my ACE meeting.
• Took the car into VW in Sheboygan.
• Came home and finished making my Chicken and Dumplings.
• Obviously Ate dinner...lol...
• Did my Replys for school and my 2nd DQ post that was due Friday.
• Now Im blogging to anyone reading...lol..

This is the old me, this one I am so needing to be again but only better. I am changing myself for many reasons because I have spent way too long feeling down and today I felt great...Made tons of calls I needed too and there are more things continueing to change, its a work in progress...

My little bug drank from a straw for the first time today at the dealership, it was so cute...she thought she was big shit....it was too cute...got pics and all...
Well, tommorro is another day filled with errands and meeting which I am so excited about and I will be sure to jump on and let everyone know how it all went...

Later taterz,
Me....

Wooohoo....Today was awesome....Started my new endevour today...Mommy have a new part time job. Well, if you want to call it a part time job. I started Secret Shopping. It doesnt pay alot but it atleast gets me out of the house and I feel like someone other than just MOM...lol. For those of you that can understand that. I have a few other ones going at the same time but this certain one gets me out of the house and I feel important. LOL... Now comes the fun part the real work of the job.

I also have to sit down and read 2 chapters from my sociology class, that by the way Im so stoked about. I know sounds weird but Im so excited to be in this class. Probably because I want to go to school to be a social worker... When I get to transfer to the campus based school, jan..hint hint..I will be so happy. Can ya tell, can ya tell. I will be both MOM and Me again.

Hmmm...Im in such an awesome mood right now, wonder what my horoscope says??? Dont know if I should jinx myself right now and read it. lol.

Well, Im also quite frankly getting irritated at my dear post man. Im not sure if he/she realizes I live where I live because I am not getting my mail. The neighbor next door gets my mail and then he is nice enough to bring it down to me. How sweet is that.


So Im thinking that I am gonna post a note on my mailbox something like this:


Dear Mr. POSTMAN:

YES I LIVE HERE AND I WOULD LOVE TO GET MY MAIL, PLEASE CAN I HAVE IT AND NOT THE NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR ANYMORE????
MUCH APPRECIATION......

So, does that sound good???

Well, off to a head start on my studies...
Me...

Well, today I got my first look at my new class...everyday Sociology. Yay!!!. I know it sounds strange that someone would be excited about it but I am compared to what I was going to have to take. They had me taking intro to algebra but it was harder than algebra every was. I was getting daily panic attacks and physically ill just thinking about it. I went over the cd's they sent me and the textbook, I even had a tutor from the school for a half hour and still it was like french to me. So I made a few calls and they were able to switch me and it didnt cost me an arm and a leg, as they say.

Some or most of you dont know but I suffer from severe anxiety attacks as it is, so this class didnt help me any. I actually suffer from bi-polar disease and severe depression to be totally honest and by setting up these blogs and trying to change things slowly has been helping me out so much.

This week I have 2 support groups that I am going to attend for the first time, tho it is going to be a little weird, I promised my family I would start attending them because it will help me in the long run. One of them if for chronic pain, because I have a severe back problem and the other one is called "NAMI". So I am totally excited to see what they are like and see how it impacts me to do my own thing for once.

Im sorry to make this short but it is 1 in the morning but Ill be back on tommorro and Ill chat with anyone who reads this more in my later blogs...

Later taters,
Me

well, life is being so busy with just calls and emails and things going on with school because Im trying to get out of this math class they have me in and it just rather sucks...So we shall see how it ends and if I can get into a lower refresher class.

But on the high side of the last couple days.....We are taking a little vacation and going to see my cousin I havent seen in like 16 years or so...Well, we will just say we were both in our teens when we saw each other last and I am sooo excited to finally see her again and check out the area she lives. I am soooo excited..Can ya tell...can ya tell...LOL..

I am trying to stay busy and postitive but its been difficult lately but I am trying to be the best again. I have been having serious anxiety attacks again and my back has been really bothering me alot lately and now to top it all off ive been having serious pains between my shoulder blades and my neck has been so stiff..Makes for a difficult sleep time. So I see the doctor on the 30th of this month and hes gonna take xrays...My biggest fear is because my lower back was screwed up for so long, now my upper back is doing the same but good and positive thoughts that it is nothing and its just my imagination.


Went to the library and got some books on how to blog the right way and things like that so that I can make this better one for myself. I want to get better at this so more people will want to read it and enjoy what they read...

Well, folks I believe thats all for now...
later taters...
Me....

So, I know I have deserted my poor little blog here for sometime, I am so sorry. I am back I promise and I am here to say that because I have to change and why do I have to??? Well, not only for myself do I have to change and make life a much better place but also for my girls because they deserve their mommy back and a better mommy than ever before. I am only 34 for Christ sake and I need to start living again. I need to quit thinking about my pains even tho I struggle every day but I need to just fight again like I used to...So I've come up with a game plan...wooohooo...can you tell I've given this a'lot of thought and I'm back kicking and screaming because if I don't I am gonna loose the important people around me and then what or why am I really  fighting for except for myself which, yes is a good reason but its not good enough or I should say its still not a good enough of a reason to fight as hard for. I have spent the last 12 years fighting a really tough battle to keep my head above water and showing everyone that despite the odds and let me tell ya there were a ton of odds at times against me. Yet when the cards were stacked against me and no one was there to fight with me or for me, it was my daughter who stood beside me and fought just as hard to move forward and guess what folks we are here today to say "Screw you to everyone that talked bad or laughed at us, cause we don't need anyone who doesn't believe in the real us." 

These are the things I have come up with 

•  I also realized and it took awhile that there are people still who listen to others and think the worst of me and just want to talk smack of me and to you screw you, cause if you don't want to take the time to get to know me or at least ask me then you don't need to know me.
• If you are going to vent about me to others, don't bother because your just spreading gossip, and I don't need gossipers in my life regardless who you are!!
• If you love me, just love me. That's all I ask. 
• Love me for me regardless of my past, my past is my past not yours!!
• If you have a problem with me or something in my life, talk to me or ask me not someone else!! If I don't want to tell you its up to me to do so either you like it or not.
• I am not an alcoholic, druggie or pill popper (I'm lucky if I remember to take my PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION when I'm suppose too). If you have a problem with what medications I am on, its your problem not mine.
• Unless you have lived a day in my shoes, walked a step in my shoes, I am going to ask nicely, not because I have to but because I want too, DON'T judge me please....just be my friend.
• I don't know your pain and you don't know my pain so don't humor me or say you understand because you don't have any clue as to the amount a pain I go through on a daily basis, so with that said it leads me to next.......
• I will say it again, I have medication I take on a daily basis for my pain (BTW, that I have lived with for 12 years) regardless of what it is, so don't judge me one bit. Just live your own life, and accept me. If you cant leave me be and live your own life.
• Yes, I have a past. It is MY past not yours, I have accepted, acknowledged my wrongs and paid my dues, what should it matter to you. If if doesn't affect your daily life....ignore it and just live your life.....
• Whomever I choose to have in my life at whatever time and period is my choice, not yours. Regardless of has happened in the past is not any of your business and should never be yours. I don't worry about yours don't worry about mine. 
• Lastly, don't pass judgement off on me unless you want me to do it to you!! It seems so easy for some to do so but let me tell your time is about due if you continue so word to wise, if you think your slate is clean of all judgement and your an angel, you have another thing coming.
• They say those who live in glass house shouldn't throw rocks.....well...some love to throw huge boulders....just saying....

With that all being said, I'm sure as I become more clear and level headed, I'm gonna add to that list, and its for my own benefit  I need to clear my head to let all my frustrations out so that I can better myself with my many sicknesses. Well, that's why my therapist tells me. I'm also told to write letters with my thoughts and what has been bothering me to people with the hopes that one day mailing them. I'm not sure if I am at that stage because I'm sure there are a few that might hurt some relationships but I know I need to write them just because feelings having been bottled up for a long time. 

Now, I'm sure there are a lot of you, that's if you read this blog and see this post, that don't think or believe I go through daily struggle's with pain and my back. I'm sure there are a lot of you out there that because of our wonderful world of Facebook see pictures and what not....I'm gonna tell ya first and foremost, and set the book straight (or however you say it)...lol...Just because I post pictures or I have taken a trip here or there doesn't mean squat!!!!...My life quite frankly sucks on daily basis, on the level of pain. The reason I post pictures and took a trip here or there is for either my kids benefit or for my sanity....After a person has two FAILED back surgeries, develops several other conditions because I couldn't find a doctor soon enough to fix my back, I don't sleep much due to pain, cant do regular household chores like I used...so on and so forth..Or quite frankly Live a normal life....Don't you think I might deal with the pain once or twice in awhile to make my kids happy....I am so sick of hearing people say that she doesn't seem like there's anything wrong with here cause shes doing this or that. Better yet, how about finding a doctor that will help you but you cant because of the medication you have to take but you still live in pain daily PAIN PILLS STILL AREN'T STRONG ENOUGH. NOT BECAUSE YOUR ADDICTED TO THEM BUT BECAUSE YOUR PAIN TOLERANCES IS SO FREAK-EN HIGH......Yet people call you a pill popper and doctors look at you as a addict....I don't have to but I will...I'm not an addict and I know this because.....when I got pregnant with  who is a year now, I was on Oxycontin 2 times a day and percocet I could if needed 4 times a day, tho I didn't take the perc's 4 times a day, I quit taking the oxy's and perc's cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant. No side affects after taking them over a year. Now I would say normally for anyone that is addicted to them would die, but I'm lucky enough not to be addicted to either of them. The problem I have is the intense pain without them because of the back surgeries not working. Though when I was pregnant I did take a percocet daily because it was worse on the baby if you are in so much pain, too hard on the baby... (you can google it if you don't believe me) Besides that, I'm to the point now, if you want to call me a pill popper without knowing me or talk about me to others like people do, then go ahead if it makes you feel better because I just done with you and I don't need you in my life. I'm 34 and all I want are people that are going to understand what I go through a daily basis and support me because its difficult for right now and if you cant understand and your going to judge me than just walk away and do it now rather than later...

Okay....well, with all that said...woooshhh...I feel a little better...my own form of therapy...hehehe....well, it might seem harsh to some but it needed to be said and well there ya go folks its done, out in the open for the world to read and I'm not ashamed...I've spent too much of my life being ashamed for the choices or decisions I've made and I just cant do it anymore...New chapter in my life...Peace and harmony.....

Until, later on....take it easy and Love all....

Later Taterz

~~Me~~Im beginning to get find my muchness again!!!